Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
