i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
