i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
