oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
My life is pants optional.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
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