What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
