he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
