There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
