Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
