Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
