Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Randomize
