Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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