the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
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