I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Randomize
