I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
