Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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