I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
