Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
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