i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
