He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
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