I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize