Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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