apparently the secret to your success is patron
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
