I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
