OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I supernannyed him into submission
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Randomize
