oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Randomize
