how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
