I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
