You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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