Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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