I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
