new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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