Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
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