I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize