i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I need to sanitize my soul.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Randomize
