If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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