I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
