I only kidnapped one of them. chill
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Randomize
