The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
