i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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