Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Randomize
