I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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