The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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