God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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