I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
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