1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
