I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Randomize
