The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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