So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
he laminated a picture of his dick.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
