I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
