I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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