I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Randomize
