He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Randomize