Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize