My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
