gavin joseph was born around 1 oclock 9lbs 12oz... over 21 inches long
Thats what she said
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
