Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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