I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
