DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
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