OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Randomize
