Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
