her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
