Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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